Tuesday, October 13, 2009

On A Rolling Sea Of Vomit

 Over the weekend, I was reminded of the power of vomit. Oh, the things vomit can do for you- turning an otherwise calm, strong stomach, into a puddle of jelly in your gut. A puddle of boiling pepper jelly.

 Friday, Nikki came home feeling out of sorts, and I should have known what I was in for, bless it. I was hopeful, but at the supper table, she said that she wasn't feeling well, and then refused to eat. Being the suspicious type, I refused to believe that it could simply be a stomach bug, and not a ploy to drive me insane. (conspiracy theory anyone?- children are here to slowly drive us into the nuthatch, it is their purpose in life.)
 After supper she decided that a rousing game of tic tac toe would be stimulating, and while perched on my beautiful vintage sofa, suddenly realized that the sea must be stormy. Had trouble gaining her sea legs quickly enough... which resulted not in a smattering of  potato salad, blueberry pomegranate yogurt, and animal crackers, but a gelatinous sea of white and purple- reminiscent of our stars, minus the stripes.
 Unfortunately, it did not end there. While it would have been wiser to contain the erupting mess,   we are dealing with an 8 1/2 year old (the 1/2 is extremely important). The only wisdom she has to offer, is that farts and water don't mix (if you've ever let a nasty one go in the shower, you'll understand how true that is!),  so she proceeded st stagger down the hall, leaving what appeared to be a purple slug trail behind her. Upon reaching the bathroom, she again vomited on the beautiful tiled floor just through the threshold, and again, in front of the toilet. Not a single purple clot made it into the porcelain piss hole.

 The cleanup was enormous. It is truly amazing just how much vomit an anorexic 8 1/2 year old can generate!  After soaking up the mess on the sofa, on the floor in front of it, down the hall, in the bathroom, and pouring natures miracle on it all (which actually worked!! no pukey smell in the house!), I began stripping the sofa of its cushion covers. I knew as I did, that they would never be the same again, it made sense to wash both of them in an attempt to hide the fact that they were ruined.
 After much swearing, administering ibuprofen to the feverish Nikki, and positioning myself under a steamy flow of water- I felt much better. Until...
The next day, when i had dried the sofa cushion covers- they no longer fit. I expected this. After about half an hour of swearing and sweating, forcing the blasted things back together, I came to the conclusion that if ever she did anything like this again, i would make her eat it.
 Sunday night she vomited again, and I was forced to keep her home from school on monday. There are reasons that once a child reaches a certain age, they are sent to school 7 hours a day. It is not because they must learn arithmetic...

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